where is christmas this year?

Well when we fall down it's nice to know we have friends and family to help pick you up. Chad's mom died almost 3 weeks ago. After being out of work for a week for surgery that has set us back in our bills big time. Well that doesn't leave much room for christmas. Aaron isn't getting a single new thing from us. Its all second hand stuff. I know he won't know the difference but I do. I am not right now what I am going to get anyone else. It is killing me to get closer and closer to christmas knowing I don't have any gifts for anyone. I haven't been able to go to any christmas parties because they have been catered and cost money. I hate being depressed this time of year. At least things should start looking up at work. I have 2 people shadowing me on different days next week. I am praying they both work out but atleast one of them. I am really getting run down at work too. Ok done venting for now thanks for listening.

Whats been going on......

Well I survived one more day...... I know everyone grieves differently but my husband isnt greiving at all.... today was his birthday and he opened a card from his mom and dad... she had actually signed it... just a few days before she died..... he just put it to the side and commented that she actually signed it..... of couse it was right at bed time and he then got out of bed and said he couldnt sleep..... goes to the living room and turns on a funny movie and is laughing.... on the other hand I have been a mess all day...... I hate my job... had a really bad day yesterday at work...... My husbands mom just died 5 days ago and I have been sick with a migraine all day.... I just wanted to make today as specail as I could for chad... well the hat I got him from ebay was the wrong size.. he took the other things I got him and just kind of put them aside...... Years ago we desided to do thanksgiving with my family and christmas eve with his.... well because it was his birthday he wanted to go see his family....... so we went to my aunts house for dinner and stayed an hour and drove an hour to have store bought pie for his birthday at his sisters... I am sorry if I am a bit cold but for years after my family finishes with dinner we all sit around the kitchen table and look at the sales papers and kinda plan out our plans for black friday........ I am not even looking forward to going shopping tomorrow.... I have very little money and I will have to take aaron out in that mob of people..... I am not sure if my nerves can take it.... I am driving myself so if I need too I can come home. what happened to the magic of the holidays???

What a week..... in need of prayers

Sunday... went to church by myself aaron had a rough night and was up at 4 am...... I was not in the mood to try to keep him still at nap time in church... came home aaron was napping!!! yeah...... DH, aaron and myself went to visit my inlaws.... When we get there my MIL has gotten really sick over the last week..... She has really bad heart failure and is now entering her last few weeks if not days.. she was looking a little better the week before.....

Monday.... I spend all morning getting the paper work straight to get my MIL a lift chair, potty chair and a walker..... then after lunch spent all afternoon getting hospice set up for her..... she has made her wishes not to go to any hospital or anything invasive done very known and I wanted to make sure her wishes were done...... not a fun day.... very stressfull!!!! came home finished packing aaron up and took him to my cousins to spend the next 2 nights....

Tuesday... 9 am had a job interview..... pray I get the job!!! its 5 mins from my house and a internal medicine dr with BENIFITS!!!!! 10 am check in to the hospital to have my gallbladder removed..... waited in a metal chair for 1 hr and 45 min for a bed.... 2:10 finally on the way to the OR. in the OR for 2 hrs finally get to my room at 5. spend the night in the hospital..... btw morphine sucks..... it would ease the pain off for only about 30 min at a time.

Wed..... come home at 11:00 am... spend the day asleep in bed or on the couch..

Thursday 4 am get a phone call from the hospice nurse..... we need to get there ASAP MIL is not doing well at all...... bang on the neighbors window cause they wont answer the phone..... leave aaron sleeping with neighbor asleep on our couch and head to MIL house. MIL is very sick but pulled through the day and was resting when we had to leave to get aaron from daycare at 5.

Friday...... MIL had a good night and slept all night thanks to oral morphine...... get a call at 9:20 DH is on the way to Urgent Care a peice of a rear end that he was helping someone work on flew off and hit him in the head...... he got 5 stitches.... 10:30 I go for a followup with my surgeon, he said everything looks great but take it easy......still no driving.. I am not able to return to work until tuesday possibly longer...... my boss gave me alot of lip about it even asked me if I asked for an extra day off........ WTF!!!!! I asked the dr if I could return to work on monday and he said no way..... Since the surgeon shares the office with the Dr I work for he knows I run my butt off every day at work and will not release me until he thinks I am ready.... I am glad he is standing up for me anyway......

Sat and Sunday pretty much the same... sleep as much as I can then after aarons nap we pack up and go to my MIL's house..... I am exausted.... mentally and physically drained.
Needless to say I am ready for a different week........ I know things could be worse but I am hoping for a little better next week...... we still have my MIL dying so its not going to be great but her not suffering any longer will be a good day........ Please keep my family in your prayers

home and doing good...... just sore

First of all I want to thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. i am home sweet home and in search of the horse that kicked me in the stomach. The surgery took two hours, because my liver was so inflammed because i am stubbon and didnt get it checked out until i started having attacks. When they removed my gallbladder there was a little bleeding on my liver.... no biggie just took a little longer and a little sorer than normal, i dont remembering hurting this bad after my c section but thien again they didnt give me the greatest gift in the whole world after this surgery either..... any way i have some percocet to take so i am staying pretty high.....lol.

Whats going on?

Well aaron had a wonderful halloween. He went for his 2 month check up today after his surgery and got two thumbs up. We dont have to go back until January. I have been running a fever and just feeling crappy for about 3 weeks now and I started having gallbladder attacks sunday night, so I am having my gallbladder out monday or tuesday...... I am so ready right now. I will find out for sure tomorrow which day. My boss lady has not been nice about it all. I cant help it that my son had surgery 2 months ago and now I need my gall bladder out..... we have 2 nurses and the other nurse turned in her 2 week notice last friday so she only has one more week. My boss lady made a comment that maybe she needed to find two nurses!!! I took it as threating.... and I did not appreciate it...

Being a daughter and not a nurse is hard

my MIL is dying of heart failure...... with me specializing in cardiac medicine I know what could help her and maybe even add years to her life...... She does have severe heart failure but it can be minimized just by her spending 2 days in the hospital and getting IV medication....... but she wont hear of it. She is 74 and very strong willed and minded. She is scared to death of Drs and hospitals. Trying to increase her medications at home make her dizzy and her blood pressure drop. I have come to a brick wall and I dont know what to do. It is killing me to see her suffer when she doesnt have to...... I just want to cry and I feel silly talking to my husband about how bad I feel about his mom dying. thanks for listening

Guess it was time 4 his nap....lol

Aaron was playing in the kitchen in a box today after lunch. All of a

sudden he was quiet..... this is what i found

Aaron's photo album

I made aaron a photo album with pics of all his family in it..... he calls everyone mama so I am hoping this will help if we tell the right name with the picture. I just gave it to him about 30 mins ago and I think he has turned the pages about 100 times... so cute

Having a stay at home day

Aaron and I were up this morning around 8 and I desided not to go to church. My weekends are always run run run. Work has been exausting the past 3 weeks with my co worker out and i needed a down day. I really am still kinda upset with my brother and knew he would be there so I chose not to go. Guess I am becoming an outsider in my own family, or at least that is how it feels. Anyway Aaron, DH and I have had a wonderful day today. We made pancakes and eggs for lunch and just hung out and played.....

a bit crushed and upset

My family has always been really close. We it seems the older we get the further I am being pushed away. My sister and I have always had to work at getting along, but my brother and I have always been great. My brother and his wife moved 1 min from my sister about 9 months ago and ever since I have been getting the cold shoulder. My brother even playing threatened me with a knife in public in front of my son...... we were at a birthday party and well it was 8 and 30 min past aarons bed time so we had to go...... aaron wanted a ballon so i went to get him one.... well my brothers kids were not done eating because they got there an hour late...... He actually pulled his knife out and opened it at me and growled. I know its silly that i am upset about this but its been the way he and my sister has been treating me lately..... and its getting really old. Like my feelings dont matter...... I am really considering not going to his bday party next week.

Aaron proves batman cant fly

Here is aaron having some fun tonight........ lol

aaron's 4 week post op visit good news

We just left UNC. Dr vanAlst did say aaron still does have a small fistula but it is healed around the edges so it shouldn't get any bigger. Aaron is compensating for it anyway. Hardly no food comes out his nose anymore and he has started to suck. So we have made great progress in 4 weeks!! Also aaron is using his palate to form words so it is working. I am on happy mommy.

aaron is learning so much

Well aaron learned to suck over the weekend........ I noticed he was making sucking sounds on his sippy cup!!!! I know this may seem small to some of you but its huge with all that has been going on in his mouth..... he is still talking up a storm..... learning new words every day.... he pointed up today and just said "sky" its amazing!!!

Fall Fest today.... fun with pics

yummy pumpkin.... check out my tatto

He had a ball!!!

Going to a Fall Fest

The local rescue squad I belong to is having a fall fest today. They are going to have all kinds of games and stuff. I am so excited to see him have fun.. I will post pics and update when we get back

It was a monday!!! but aaron slept last night!

Well the other nurse that works with me is out another week. She fell and broke her thumb. The dr I work for is being a real pain, he is stressed because with her out he has to do more computer charting. He is expecting me to do mine and the other nurses' job and keep up with him. It is stressing me out to no end!!! Some days I really think I am going to go look for a different job. My heart has always been in pediatrics but I really dont want to go back to a hospital job right now. I am torn as to what to do. If I could go back to work 3 12 hour shifts a week and make the same money. I basiclly dont see aaron on the days I work but then I am off 4 days a week instead of 2. But I will have to work holidays and weekend!!!! yuck!!! There is only one pediatric office in town so I am not sure if i can get a dr's office job in town. Just some thoughts.......

Another rough night for aaron

He went to bed around 9:30 and was up at 3 am until 6 am. We dont let him down to play or anything he just fights sleep that long. He gave him ibuprofen and a cup of milk, he just wasnt intrested in sleeping like mommy and daddy were. I dont know what i am doing wrong. Maybe its just him teething, but it looks like once the ibuprofen kicked in he would go back to sleep.

Finally feeling better!!!

Aaron is finally getting back to himself. What a relief! He slept all night last night for the first time in 2 weeks!!! I took the pack n play down this morning and he took his nap in his big boy bed. We aren't so worried about what he gets in his mouth now. He does still have some things come out his nose but very little compared to before this past surgery. It has been a good saturday for us.... all 3 of us have just kinda hung out at home and played... daddy wachting tv, mommy doing laundry..... between loads checking emails and playing on the computer..lol.